There was a time when I used to hear ‘be happy’ in every situation. I was too young to understand all these philosophical things.
My father wanted to make me a sportsman but yeah I am like everyone else, I want toys for playing. But he always took me to the outdoor area for practicing basketball. I don’t want to tire my body, all I wanted is fun, and I found that in toys. Later someday I was falling sick. I thought I am going to die, these are my last days. All I wanted is to play with toys which I used to see in a showcase in a shop. Before he was going to his job in the morning he came to me and said ‘get well soon champ’ and left for the office. At that time it was so hard to tell my feelings to my father, maybe that time I was too young. Then I said to my father ‘all I want is that toy, that’s my last wish’. He laughed. I mean seriously that was the question about my life and he laughed. But I could see tears in his eyes while he was laughing, but he managed somehow and the tears didn’t come out. Later that evening he came with that toy, now I can’t tell what I was going through that day I was a king and I had the throne too. He gave me that and said ‘be happy’. Maybe that’s all he wanted from me. But as I already told I was too young to appreciate all that. Now I am completely fine and happy.
As time went I became a teen, the most complicated phase of life. Yeah, if you were there once then you can understand this situation. That’s when I had my first heartbreak. It was like there is nothing left in this world for me, this world sucks, why people are mean. That was another time when I couldn’t bear this much pain alone. But my father senses my feelings and one more time all I wanted is that past where nothing is impossible. Suddenly he comes to my room opens the gate, and asks ‘what happened champ?’ This time I was blank there was nothing to say… But I wished once more he could bring me what I wanted.
Now here is the hard truth when I was demanding for something in my childhood he always rejected my demands, at that time couldn’t understand why this was happening to me, I was like- we have enough money to buy anything then why he acts like this. But now I can feel that he was preparing me for this, he could also tell me in my childhood but he also knew that I am not able to understand this stuff. One thing leads to another he was preparing me for this. Well, then I replied ‘Nothing, everything is fine’. Maybe he saw that cut on my wrist, part of me also wanted to show that cut. Maybe because I needed sympathy. Another time there were tears in my father eyes, but as always he managed somehow. Then he said to continue ‘We don’t choose whom we love, it is beyond our control, But we always want the wrong person’. That wisdom doesn’t affect that much at that time. Then he hugged me and I was crying like an infant.
After few days, he passed away due to illness, maybe he always knew about that but never told us, I was like why god? why me? why you hate me so much? why you took my life away from me? That incident made me spiritless. Now there is no one left in the world who can understand my feelings, what I want from life.
Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.
As time passed… Now the memories are on the wall. There was a girl that used to play with me in childhood with that toy that my father brought. She was also our neighbor. I saw her after a long time, now she had become pretty. When my father died no one could enter in my heart, but she has the key. She is a girl of a different kind. We used to talk a lot about my relationship with my father, heart to heart conversation & when she do that I mean she was likewise my father, gradually……. Again I fell in love. She became that reason for which I wanted to forget about everything, even my father. She made me feel alive. She became everything for me.
Then I decided to propose her. And I was pretty sure she was not going to reject. I could feel positive vibes about our future. But sometimes we expect too much that makes us disappointed. So I told her about my deep feelings, truth. What I feel about her. She rejected. She said ‘you are more than the friend of me but I love someone else so we can’t be in a relationship’, ‘I hope you can understand because you are my true friend.’ I smiled and reply ‘yeah it’s perfectly okay’.
Then I went back to the home, everything went okay that night I could manage my feeling this time or maybe I became tougher after so much emotional pain. Next morning I saw myself in a mirror, I couldn’t make eye contact with myself & I start crying like an infant for the whole day.
All I wanted to talk with my father at any cost….. I mean literally at any cost.I decided to die, so I can meet with him at somewhere in heaven, so he once more hugs me and tell me all the answers that I want. I decided to suicide. And I know it will lead me nowhere but I wanted to take the risk. So, I gambled my life because I didn’t have anything to lose.
Trust me if you can die for nothing just for peace, you can do anything. Because it takes courage to commit suicide.
Finally, I made a choice out of a number of alternatives I went to do that on a railway track. So, I lied down on the track and waited for the trains, after a few minutes a train arrived. As the train came near I took a deep breath and smiled because I going to meet my father, I was excited. Then suddenly someone whispered in my ears ‘be happy’. As train blown the horn I quickly moved aside from the track and again started to cry because this time I knew I didn’t have the courage and I am a fainthearted person. At that night I decided to sleep on my father’s bed because that time I wanted to feel my father’s presence. Then I saw a box in the wardrobe that is in front of bed, I had never seen that before. I am definitely going search what’s in it.
There was that toy and some photographs of my childhood and underneath that there was a letter, I opened it, it was my father’s handwriting.
Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re going to love it. You have to live in the present because you have awesome future ahead. Don’t think about the past it’s already written, the ink is dry. Everybody dies sooner or later. And don’t worry about your death. Worry about your life. Take charge of your life for as long as it lasts. It’s okay, enjoy with your friends, and fall in love, little fights with your loved once. It’s always changing, who we’re supposed to love and who we’re not. The only thing that stays the same is that we want who we want. All we really need is to survive for the one person that truly loves us. We have to decide in life where we want to go, if we know that, life becomes so much easy.
P.S: – Be happy.
So, this short story is not written by me. This is a guest post by a friend. Thanks to Deepesh. 🙂